Secrets

I've been wondering what would happen if I were to walk up to someone on the street and tell them, "I know your secret."

Mirrors

Tonight Clare kept knocking on the mirror trying to get to the Clare on the other side.  It was wonderful.

Judgment

I recently dropped my father off at the grocery store. I kept the truck running for the three minutes he was out.  While sitting and waiting, I kept getting evil stares from a lady who rode her bike to the store.  By the time I left, she had pulled a bandanna over her face and was loudly coughing--all while continuing the evil looks.  I have to say that I took some pride in the fact that I can still inadvertently piss someone off that much.

Overheard Conversation

A father speaking to his two-year-old son:  "Come take my hand.  Stop touching yourself and come with me.  Good. We're moving up in the world."

Haiku

Last night
I held you
in the clouds.

Quote

Between our two lives
there is also the life of the
cherry blossom.

--Basho

Beauty and Humor

I am having some difficulty figuring out how to make something that is beautiful humorous, or humorous beautiful.  Are they mutually exclusive?  I'm not sure on this one. 

Haiku

Hovering,
The seagull drops the clam
precisely on the rock.

Quote

I live my life in widening circles that reach out across the world.  I may not complete this last one but I give myself to it.

--Rainer Maria Rilke

Parenting

What good parent hasn't fallen asleep in a child's bed, or spent half a night awake comforting a nightmare?  I've been thinking about why we do it--put ourselves out for our children in strenuous and exhausting ways?  I am pretty sure that it is because children are our long-term-care policies, and if we don't fuck them up too much, they will change our diapers when we get old. 

Library People

A large, unshaven man wearing a black fishing cap asked a library assistant if a computer was available.  It was, but was filtered.  He said, "It's filtered for all users all the time?  I sure don't want that," and walked away.  The assistant looked in disgust at another employee and went back to work.

Quote

Outside noisy, inside empty.   --Chinese proverb

Fake Swearing

I've noticed that people often make up swear words to keep from saying things that might soil their childrens' sensitive ears.  Personally, I don't care if a person says "shit" or "shoot", they all mean the same thing.  It is an assortment of letters that our society places more value on.  Apart from a couple weird folk, everyone I know swears at one time or another.  But, in the interest of this post, I will put down a few words that people have created to say the same thing with different words:

Frickin' eyesole
Spanky punt
Bass bird
Mother ducker

And then there are the ones I use on a regular basis:

Pinko Commie Bastard
Scheißen
Merde

Swearing in other languages is very effective, because you get all the benefits of swearing without bothering English language speakers.

Politics

After years as an independent, I have finally found a political party that I can agree with: the Yemeni National Party.  They have a solid foundation and do well in the parts of the Middle East, but their presence in America is a bit weak.

Advertisment

I saw this ad while checking e-mail:  "Is it still possible to pursue happiness when gas costs four bucks a gallon?"  Below this question, there were two check boxes for "yes" and "no". 

It reminded me of the junior high "Do you like me" notes that I wrote. 

Of course it is impossible to pursue happiness with gas at four bucks.  I'm fine when its in the threes, but that little bump in price is all it takes to send me into existential despair.

Image

Here's an interesting one:  an agorophobic claustrophobe.  He can't go outside, but hates living indoors.

Humans

Why is it that humans live for such a long time after their reproductive ability has stopped?  We have a good twenty to thirty years after we can't have kids that we are kicking around.  I'm not sure on the purpose of our elderly years, other than keeping the motor home manufacturers in business.

Quote

Our true home is in the present moment.
To live in the present moment is a miracle.
The miracle is not to walk on water.
The miracle is to walk on the green Earth in the present moment.

                          --Thic Nhat Hanh

Haiku

The sun
drips silently
off my fingertips.

Insect Life

While flipping over rocks with Clare, my four-year-old, I saw a potato bug stuck on its back. Its legs were flailing and its body was twisting, but it couldn't flip over.  Another bug then left its spot, moved a couple inches and bumped the stuck bug onto its feet.  Then it went back to the same place it was previously. 

Which begs the question, of course:  How aware of others (and self) are insects?  Why would a bug do that?

I asked the potato bug, but it didn't tell me a thing.

Value and Words

The more we value a body part, the more names we give it.  Consider, if you will, cock, titties, and beaver versus elbow, shin, and kneecap.

Overheard Conversation

While driving past two teenage girls:  "They say she's cute, but. . . "

Passion

I see people getting passionate about truly meaningless things--sports, writers, religion--and I don't understand how we are so willing to hold on to things that really make no difference.  Does it matter if Stephen King's characters are flat while Flannery O'Connor's are not?  Does it matter if some people swim on swim on the Sabbath, while others only wade?

I catch myself often as well.  I get worked up because Trudy left peelings in the sink, and it takes me some time to realize how stupid I am being. 

Passion is a glorious thing, and as such, it is easily distracted from its purpose.

Quote

We've formed a theory and belief, but as we look about the human world, it is clear that nobody actually knows what is going on.  Yet claims to Truth are being made at every hand, including the claim that there is no Truth.  --Steve Hagen

Overheard Conversation

An adult son to his mother: "Nobody seems to care or understand.  It seems the only person who cares about me is me." 

What a weenie.

Relief

When considering the great emotions--love, hate, joy, and the like--we have done a great injustice to one of the greatest.  Relief.  Consider the joy of getting corn unstuck from a tooth or realizing that you aren't really in trouble.

Help Me Understand

I recently read this in a book:  "And the madness came upon her, and she fled into the desert."  First of all, it's a horrible sentence. Second, I have no clue what the hell it means.

Overheard Conversation

A waitress at a restaurant, speaking to her friend who was on a date:  "I told you not to date cowboys, and now you are here with this fogey loser."

Christian Bookstores

I just went into our local Christian bookstore for the first time in several years.  It struck me how hard advertising executives worked to make every object marketable to the Fold.  There was the Outdoor Enthusiast Bible, with an Authentic Copywrited Mossy Oak Cover.  For the devout chewer there was Scripture Gum. 

It fascinated me to see how many ways there were to make money off God.  But really that's just small change.  If you want to make big bucks, start a religion. That's what L. Ron Hubbard did.

Quote

The bright moon is now shining down.
Mountains and rivers are calm.
Laughing at this whole enterprise, even at myself,
startles heaven and earth!
Ha ha ha ha ha!

--So Sahn

Caleb

Caleb, our two-year-old, just took a dump in his diaper then jumped on the trampoline for a half hour.  Personally, I don't think that is a decision that I would make.

Jehovah's Witnesses

I just told the Jehovah's Witness at our door that our family wasn't interested in what she had to say because we were Satanists.  I cannot tell you how good it felt to see her face change.

Image

Here's a good visual:  Martial Arts and Crafts.

Reasonable Questions

I think we should ask ourselves "are you sure" before making decisions.  It's a simple step, but a helpful one.  For example, "David, are you sure it is a good idea to spit off the top of the escalators at River Park Square?"

If I had just asked the question, nobody would have ended up being spit upon.

Why

I'm not sure, but perhaps I think that the key thing that separates us from all other species is our ability to ask "Why".  That's where the trouble begins.

Prepositions

I have realized that the rule against ending sentences with a preposition is dead.  It is time for change.  Seriously, who says, "To whom did you wish me to give this eel?"

Quote

The morning glory blooms but an hour and yet it differs not at heart from the giant pine that lives for a thousand years.  --Matsunaga Teitiku

Minivan Lady

While getting Rees from school one day, I noticed a minivan parked in front of the building with its doors open.  There was a woman inside on her knees doing something that sounded like sweeping ice from a soda onto the ground.  I wasn't sure, so as we passed her, I took a closer look at what she was doing.  She noticed me and immediately stood up, closed the door and started her car.  When I looked closer, I could see that it was broken glass that she was dumping in the school parking lot, not ice.  As she drove off, I noticed the Jesus fish on her tailgate.  I didn't have time to ask her how she reconciled her faith in a resurrected Savior with dumping broken glass in an elementary school parking lot.   

Quote

To pretend to know when you do not know is disease.   Lao Tzu

He Man

I've been watching He-Man lately with my kids.  I wish that I had a magic sword that turned me into Fabio.

Quote

In this world, we eat, shit, sleep and wake up. After that, all we have to do is die.  --Ikkyu

Quote

The fundamental desusion of human beings is the belief that we exist separately and independently from the rest of the universe.  --Reb Anderson

Bumper Sticker

I saw this bumper sticker while driving:  "I adhere to my Chihuahua's radical ideology."


I'm not sure about that one.  It's a dog.

Quote

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time. --Bertrand Russell

Chruch

On a church billboard: "Missing something?  Come to chruch!"

I figured I could really mess with them by going in and asking for assistance with my spelling.

Tongue Twister

Here's a new tongue twister I came up with. "Hester of Hesperus is estrous."  Say that one three times fast.

Quote

The moment we want to be something we are no longer free.  --Krishnamurti

Names

I have always thought that sexually transmitted diseases sound nasty.  Gonorrhea, Syphilis, and Herpes sound like something that I wouldn't want to catch.  But stick with me a minute.  There is one STD that has some potential.  Imagine, if you will, a parent who wants to give their child a unique name.  In doing so, they name their first daughter "Chlamydia".   It's unique, beautiful, and shortens quite nicely to "Clap". 

Description

If you could pick one word to describe yourself, what would it be?  If you were to overhear someone talking about you, what would they say?  "Oh, that's David.  He's _________." 

I don't have a word for myself.

Clare

My three-year-old Clare just told me, "Dad, I'm not sure if these are my pants."  I had never heard that before.  Whose pants were they, then?  How did she get them on? Does this happen often? Did they suddenly sneak up on her while she was unaware?  She never told.

Symbiotica

I've recently discovered something known (by me) as "Symbiotica".  Symbiotica is the graphic representation of people in mutually beneficial relationships.  For example, look no further than a waiter at a restaurant.  He serves your food, and if he does it well, he gets paid well, and you get good service.  Symbiotica is not a codependent relationship, as that is destructive behavior, not beneficial. 

Give it a try.  If done right, you can really get people off just by giving them what they want, and get what you want in return. 

Interesting Fellows

While out on a date with Trudy and some friends, we were sitting at a larger table with several empty seats.  A man sat down at the end of our table and said nothing.  We were conversing with several people, and nobody mentioned it. 

He sat and watched us for about a half hour, then got up and left. 

I discovered later that he was a member of FSCA (Future Serial Killers of America).  That helped explain quite a bit.

Graffiti

On the Rugged and Ready Super Studded condom dispenser in the mens' restroom: "Rubbers Ed don't need."

Quote

No one shows a child the sky. --African Proverb

Overheard Conversation

"He doesn't know what normal is anymore.  He's like an abused victim."

Self-Discipline

I've been trying to teach myself self-discipline of late.  I think that it's good to every once in a while show my body who makes the calls.  The problem is, I don't like it.

Experience

I recently realized that I am an experience junky.  Like some who are really junkies, or people who crave food or money or sex or cats, I crave new experiences.  I tend to get bored easily, particularly with routine.  So I look for new things to do or new interactions to create or unusual things I have not yet done.  That's the real reason I licked the cat.

Personal Rights

I struggle to fully understand the benefits of personal rights.  I am aware that rights are a great concept, particularly in the American ideal--that we are given certain "unalienable rights" and so forth. However, I see so many problems with  rights as well.  Rights lead to a victim mentality--the sense that we are "owed" something, the feeling that we have been wronged, the feeling that we "deserve" this or that.  This thought process has created our extremely litigious nation, where we all live in fear of being sued until somebody does us wrong, then we all want to sue. 

I think that a much better idea is to teach personal responsibility rather than personal rights.  I believe that I alone am responsible for my attitude and actions, and that cannot be taken away from me.  Both bad things and good things will happen to me, and I will choose how to respond to them.  Rather focusing on what I deserve, I try to focus on how I can act.  Suffering is inevitable; what we do with it isn't.

Quote

"Doubt is part of all religion.  All the religious thinkers were doubters."  --Isaac Bashevis Singer

Quote

"There is not a sprig of grass that shoots uninteresting to me."  --Thomas Jefferson

Taking a Dump

There are times that I wish that taking a dump was not a family occasion.  As soon as I sit down, I have either Clare (3) or Caleb (2) to contend with. If I forget to close the door, they will come in, whacking the door against my legs until I move them. If Clare is first, Caleb will follow, and vice versa.  It is never just one of them.  Then they will both proceed to get into the medicine cabinet, the bathtub, the garbage--anything that I can't reach, all the while demanding 'juice' or 'candy'. If I remember to close the door, Caleb will get Clare, who opens the door for him.  If I lock the door, they may cry for a bit, but then I begin to see fingers appearing under the door.  First one hand, then another.  They shove toys under the door, then cry if I don't kick them back to them.  All in all, it makes for a hard bowel movement.

Overheard Conversation

While waiting for my annual endoscopy/colonoscopy:

"When I called in, the receptionist asked me if I had heard anything about the doctors.  I didn't know what to say. Does one of the doctors have an ass fetish?"

7-8-04 Spokane

The moon is full

and pours clouds,

a lunar milkshake

into atmosphere basin.

Peach shadowlight, a friend calls it.

Pumpkin moon, my daughter says,

banana moon when waning.

I hold the moon like a fruit

pit in my hands.

Overheard Conversation

Two people behind the sales counter:

". . . And that's when the other doctor came in and said, 'You are being inappropriate and need to stop.'"

Children

While getting a bottle of soda from the cooler, the door swung rapidly open, hitting a three-year-old child in the head.  He started crying, and I rapidly apologized, but the mother took it in stride. "It's okay," she said, "He's tough. And stupid."

Checking Out

When I walked in to the men's room at the doctor's office, I saw a 6'3", attractive mid-twenties man checking out how his butt looked in his jeans. He was twisted around so that he could see in the mirror, stretching his neck over his shoulder.  I wanted to tell him that it looked good to me, but I also didn't want to get beat up or raped.  Overall, I think my silence was a good decision.  

Chum

Chum

is one name, dog

salmon another, translucent

blue, green, black stripes

on chrome scales. 

In fall, hook-nosed they

work up Kennedy Creek

a few hundred yards

out of salt and into fresh 

piling stacked like cordwood fishermen say

beneath seagulls and crows

pecking at them while still alive,

softening chunked flesh disappearing

these fish, compelled upstream,

skim with fins above shallows

as a child's bath toy waddles through

water. 

This fall they were done

and sat in pools

waiting to die, stripes blackened

whitened with fungus, flesh

soft barely stuck to bones.

Some held the bottom

others floated dead above.

Carcasses everywhere like war

carnage in pieces and bits.

One nearly bones, one nearly dead.

Birds, sick with gluttony, did not bother to

pluck the eyes.

Then spring,

when the fry float downstream past parents' bodies,

move north out of Puget Sound and to the ocean. 

Mercedes

Why is it that Mercedes seems to be the vehicle of choice for despotic African countries? I have an incredibly difficult time seeing thugs holding AK-47s riding around in a Ford Taurus.

Joke

My mother gave me a bullet as a present on my 18th birthday. It was very special to me, and I kept it in my left front pocket, right over my heart.   One day, while I was walking down the street, some crazed Gideon threw a Bible out of the tenth story window, and it hit me square in the chest.  I looked down and realized that if it hadn't been for that bullet, the Bible would have killed me.

Image

Purple drops of sunlit snow.

Eating

When Caleb, my two year old, eats something he likes, he hums and closes his eyes.  I wish that I could share that moment with him--pure bliss and one-mindedness.  It is as though he is completely at peace with the universe.  I rarely, if ever, feel that way at all.

Forgetfulness

About a month ago I decided to see if I could make it through a day without forgetting something.  I'm not surehow I'm doing, because I keep forgetting to remember if I forgot. I wish I wasn't joking, but it has taken me over a week just to remember to write this thought down.

Chuckanut Drive

Looking down at the tops of trees to the water, my

toes edge the boulder that crests, then slides down the cliff. 

I hear the sucking sound of waves on rocks. The tide line

curves muck around the shore. It is raining.

I pace the edge of the cliff, starting left, moving right,

feet stepping on clay, dirt, grass, rock, puddles of rainwater.

I didn't expect tulips, half unseen, wedged

between two stones and wrapped in plastic, a flashlight

next to them, water spotted. The rock is marked with a white dove,

thirty-nine year old woman dead. An unusual sight for a scenic

vista, odd to see edging a cliff between the scattered beer cans,

someone dead less than two years, whose ashes stick to the bottom

of my shoes.

Rain hits my glasses. Emotions come back, the familiar knife-twist.

I stand next to her and look out to the water, seeing

a denuded larch or dead douglas fir, I cannot tell.  It is hard to see,

the water on my glasses blending objects, tulips and flashlight. 

I am cold, and have nothing to give her.

How to Tickle Yourself

Last night while at home, Clare passed gas, then said, "That tickles." It gave me a new perspective on indigestion.

Overheard Conversation

In a store parking lot:

"I got you what you wanted.  Now get in the damn car."

Disobedience

Something I heard on the radio today:  "The greatest disobedience is to go somewhere and do nothing."

Overheard Conversation

Two men talking at a wedding:

"So, what have you been up to lately?"

"Well, when I'm not drunk, I'm stoned."

How to Help a Stomachache

Rees, my seven year old son, recently came up to me holding his stomach.  "Dad," he says, "my tummy hurts." Before I could answer him, he belched loudly.  "Now I feel better," he smiled, and ran away.

Blandness

I dislike people who mistake blandness for holiness.  I see it often in very conservative religious people--Mormons, Fundamentalists, Seventh Day Adventists.  The absence of visible vice in someone's life does not necessarily create virtue.

Haiku

The man--
wearing scars of poems
on his face.

4-8-04

The sky has fallen, lying about in piles

of white that clump on the ground,

recline on the water, dim the horizon.

Clouds are in pieces,

save for one stacked upright, half-white in the dawn,

spiraling upward, pillaring the last section of sky.

Overheard Conversation

Two women getting into a car:

"You say Michael had a hard life.  Michael didn't have a hard life. Michael was stupid."

Television

It's hard to explain the amount of anxiety that I felt when, while sick today, found that the power to the television wouldn't work.

Poetic Cliches

I've been starting a collection of poetic phrases that have become cliches.  Here's a few so far:

Bitterly cold
Fiercely loyal
Ice Queen
Nerves of steel


I'll add more soon.

Skiing

Earlier this year I went cross country skiing with Sean.  It was dark on the top of Mt. Spokane, and all I could hear was the whine of my skis and the huffing of my breath.  The stars were breathtaking. It was the first time I have had the experience of looking up and feeling as if I were standing on the bottom of the world, about to fall into space. 

Image

Clouds dive and dolphin between the hills.

Library People

At the downtown Spokane library, a group of ten or so homeless people fifty-something years old are sitting next to me.   One holds up a joint and asks, "Does anyone want to join me?"  No one answers.  "Well, hell with this," he says, pockets the joint, and walks off.

Quote

The thing about Zen is that it pushes contradictions to their ultimate limit where one has to choose between madness and innocence. And Zen suggests that we may be driving toward one or the other on a cosmic scale. Driving toward them because, one way or the other, we are already there.

It might be good to open our eyes and see.  --Thomas Merton

Haiku

When the snow
turned to rain
I slowly melted.

Quote

If you want my opinion on the mystery of life and all that, I can give it to you in a nutshell: the universe is like a safe to which there is a key. But the key is locked up in the safe.  --Peter De Vries

Quote

It is not only the most difficult thing to know oneself, but the most inconvenient one, too. --Henry W. Shaw

Quote

It is only when we realize that life is taking us nowhere that is begins to have meaning. --P. D. Ouspensky

Overheard Conversation

At the jukebox: 

"So what are you going to do?"

"A little bit of Slayer, a little bit of Hay Reed, a little bit of country."

Picture

I pull apart like bits of cotton candy.

Deer

I passed a deer driving last night. It crossed the road in front of me at a walk, head down.  I noticed her ribs and unsteady gait.  I stopped the car, and she also stopped and looked at me.  I could tell it was not going to make it through winter.  I wanted to grieve for its death, but I realized that this deer's death may be what keeps my friends the coyotes alive through this hard winter.  It is difficult, but I am learning not to place value judgments on what I consider to be of worth.  Seeing that deer would have been great news for a coyote, and sad news for the doe's fawn. The perspective with which we view things influences how we judge the situation.  Objectivity in such situations, as in most instances, is difficult, if not impossible.  We skew everything we see.

Spot the Logical Fallacy

Emma recently asked me what Krabby Patties tasted like. 
--Do they exist? I asked her.
--No, she replied
--Then they taste like nothing. I continued, What does nothing taste like? Imagine yourself in a vaccuum chamber with no air in it.  Take a big bite.  That is what a Krabby Patty tastes like.
--Dad! Emma was getting frustrated. So I continued.
--Also, whenever I ask you what you are thinking about, and you say nothing, you must be thinking of Krabby Patties, right?
--What?
--Krabby Patties don't exist, and therefore are nothing.  So when you have nothing on your mind, you are thinking of Krabby Patties.

Value Village

I was at Value Village with Sean and an old man was trying on shoes and asked Sean to help him get a boot off.  Sean immediately asked, "Are you bleeding?", which I thought was odd.  Then, when he pulled off the boot, I could see his legs, which were swollen and hard.  There was a ulcerous wound on his shin, and he was not wearing any socks.  I'll never try shoes on there again.

Haiku

Parked cars.
Iced footprints
on the sidewalk.

Overheard Conversation

A man talking to his buddie at a bar:  "I was passed out on the couch and my wife came in and said, 'What the hell are you watching?' I was on Cinemax, and while I was asleep it had turned into Skinemax. It was a guy and chick doing the soft porn dry hump."

Overheard Conversation

A man in his mid-twenties dressed in oversized clothes and corn-rows in his hair:  "My name is Ben, but my rap name is Sneaky Squirrel."

Haiku

Pine trees
Ice one inch thick
like sun before dawn.

Road Sign

On the side of the road: "Happy 400th Birthday, King James Bible.  I never have been able to understand how one bible translated over 400 years ago for political reasons (James wanted to keep those nasty independent-minded Scots from using the word of God to preach against his monarchy), using original manuscripts compiled 1000-1500 years after Jesus's death, became the sole source of scripture for fundamentalist, conspiracy-minded people.

Baker Creek

It was a late summer day; I could never have gotten in to the stream in spring or early summer. It was a stream that I had crossed several times on my way further up the mountain to the alpine lakes and meadows on the southeast side of Baker. It was beautiful out--not the boilerplate cloud cover that so often stacks up on the west slopes of the Cascades. There were no clouds in the sky, only a pale to dark blue that gave no reason to belie its depth and blended in to the sides of the mountains.

The road was dusty--it hadn't rained in a few weeks, and the warm weather quickly dried up the dampness left by the summer rain. On my way to Blue Lake one day, I decided to stop and look over the small single lane bridge that crossed the creek. It was about a forty foot drop to the creek but it flowed strong and was obviously not a seasonal stream, but rather a year-round, spring and runoff fed creek. I pulled my car forward to the side of the road just past the bridge. As I slipped on my waders and put together my pole, I listened to the sounds of summer in the mountains, the grasshoppers creaking in the heat, the robins and finches and camp robbers squeaking through the trees. Several small butterflies moved around me as I began to walk to the slope down to the stream. They landed on my waders and moved their wings up and down, pushing small pieces of air towards and away from me. I was enveloped by them, seeing the blue of their bodies disappear in to the blue of the sky, then reappear against the green of the firs.

I slid more than walked down the slope. I lost my footing more than once, and was forced to grab on to the bushes to keep from losing control. As I hit bottom, I looked up and saw what I had come down--a forty foot embankment. The bridge blackened the water to my left and downstream. Sun played off the rocks to my right. I decided to head upstream first. It was an easy stream to walk, with rocks placed regularly between the pools. But what incredible rocks they were--shaped into beautiful curves and bends by the years of spring floods and tumbling tree trunks ripped free from the bank. It was like walking in to a potter's workshop, seeing the ceramic bend and change in to innumerable shapes. The pools were plenty and emerald clear, but there were no fish. Nothing. The stream was large enough by far, and provided plenty of deep water and hiding for them. I kept moving upstream, hoping that I would find something profitable. After about a half hour, I had given up, and sat down on a log that pushed out in to the stream and rested on the water-carved rock figure of a reclining woman. The day was beautiful, the kind where clouds patched clumpily in the sky and the sun beamed in the rocks. Even without fish, it was a moment of beauty.

I began to head back to the car, but before I tried to scramble back up the bank, I decided to move in to the shadow under the bridge and try downstream. I crossed through the dark, where the stream bed disappeared in to blackness. Then I burst in to sunshine again. I could see that not far downstream, there was a log dam that had built up; but not any log dam was this. As I moved closer, I could see that ten or twelve large logs had piled upon each other near perfectly, creating an effective fifteen foot high waterfall which no fish could pass. I looked at the logs, then down to the pool below the spraying water. I could see several fish cruising the pool, working their way to the waterfall, then around one side to the tail end, then circling round again. As unobtrusively as possible, considering that I had to scale several large wet logs and slippery rocks, I moved to down to the pool.

As I looked, a group of three cutthroat trout became evident. They had just moved past the tail of the pool and were beginning to circle back across the far side of the pool towards the waterfall and me. Yet there, just as the pool narrowed and began to dribble down to a steep rapid, there was a solitary cutthroat facing the current, moving gently side to side looking for food. There was no room for me to properly cast to him, for he was only five or so feet away, and I was backed against a wall with my feet in the water. There was no room for me to do anything but stand there. As I prepared to cast, I looked down. The three cutts that were cruising the pool were moving closer. I stood dead still, and they came up to me, swam between my legs, and continued their way down the pool. I watched them move unhurriedly and unconcernedly on their way, never noticing me towering above them. I had never seen anything like this. Fish with no fear, no instinct to hide. No spooking.

I continued to look at the fish working the tail of the pool. He took no notice of me, yet I was in plain sight. I watched him work the current for a while, then held my rod above and in front of him and dipped my fly in the water about three feet upstream and let it drift down over him. He took immediately and I quickly pulled him in. He was about six inches and one of the most beautiful fish I had seen--brilliant red and orange sides like an ocean sunset or maple in fall. I admired him, his six inches barely spanning my hand, then released him. Instead of scattering to find a place of cover, he easily returned to his place at the tail of the pool and kept feeding as though I had never caught him.

I would like to day that I admired these virgin fish and went on my way, but I didn't. I tried another drift over the fish I had just caught. He saw my fly, approached it, then turned away. It was then that I turned and left. I knew in that moment that I had crossed the line. I had taken virgin, untouched fish--completely protected by the inaccessibility of their habitat, and made them skeptics. Very likely, they had never seen a predator--for so long that they had no need to fear.

Thus, the question must be asked: is it better to remain innocent, or does knowledge make us more whole? It is the Garden of Eden dilemma; Adam and Eve had the same choice. Innocent children do not remain so, nor do I wish them to. I want my children to grow and learn to understand the pain and beauty of life. However, the beauty of innocence can never be regained once it is lost. And that is what hurts so much.

Overheard Conversation

A woman yelling into the phone at Winco: "Two things of burritos, one thing of chips. Will you just shut up and listen to me?" Then, louder, "And two things of pineapple because the doctor says I need to eat a lot of fruit."

Overheard Conversations

Guy on the phone: "No, I don't work there any more." Pause. "Let's see, you could talk to Steve, but he's kind of a dick."

Anger

I believe that anger is a result of our perception of injustice.  When we remove that perception, we remove anger.  If we don't feel wronged, we won't be mad. 

Quote

Oh, how daily life is.  --Jules LaForgu

December 22, 2003 San Juan Islands

It has been sunrise all day--
I watched the sun lift over the
islands this morning, the day after
solstice. The clouds have something
to do with it, the way the sun
brightens them like gauze in a lamp.

I took the ferry out, and watched
docks and boats glow through lit fog,
then pass silently, hulks of angels.
The ferry is empty, save the small
group with Southern accents and
the woman nosed in her book.
It feels winter, when all are home
and Christmased, when the croak
of ravens echoes against firs
and spring is forgotten.

So I sit and listen to the fan above
me pushing heat into the boat
and close my fingers around my
thumb. As the ferry pulls away
from the dock, my soul stretches,
then strings like fishing line between
the land and water.

Our Baseline

Why are anxiety, self-doubt, and dark, nastiness the norm of humanity rather than happiness?  I have yet to meet a person who doesn't have fears, shame, or psychological issues.  I would prefer a simple, peaceful, joyful nature. But if that were the case for the world population, nothing would get done.  Perhaps that isn't such a bad thing, either. 

Quote

Open your mouth and you're wrong. --Soen Sa Nim

People

This doesn't count truly as one of my library people, but it fits in the category.  I saw a woman in a fuzzy pink pullover that went to the top of her thighs, black tights, pink legwarmers, and pink shoes.  It looke like she was beautiful in the '80s, but that was the high point of her life.  Now she just looks worn, tired, and stretched.

Quote

I watched the trees gradually withdraw, waving their despairing arms, seeming to say to me: "What you fail to learn from us today, you will never know. If you allow us to drop back into the hollow of this road from which we sought to raise ourselves up to you, a whole part of yourself which we were bringing to you will fall forever into the abyss.  --Marcel Proust

Death

I have recently realized the fact that I will die.  It's not really an optional thing.  I can predict your future as well:  You also will die.  I personally find that it is not the inevitability of death that bothers me so much as it is the timing of death. 

Quote

Freedom from the desire for an answer is essential to the understanding of the problem.  --Krishnamurti

Time

Recently I was discussing a philosophical (and quantum) idea with Emma.  If there are infinite universes and infinite time, anything not just could happen, but will happen.  In some universe, somewhere, a person who looks just like you is reading this post while riding a wallaby.

Mustard

A friend in high school told me of a time when his family was having a barbecue.  Apparently he was having problems with the mustard bottle.  Mustard just wouldn't come out, no matter how hard he shook or squeezed.  So he took off the lid, only to find a dead rat curled up inside. 

Steve Guttenburg

Does anyone ever wonder what happened to Steve Guttenberg's career?  He was huge in the '80's with such hits as "Three Men and a Baby" "Short Circuit", and "Mannequin".  Then he disappeared, largely.  We need more movies like "Mannequin" in our lives.

Overheard Conversation

Twenty-something woman to another twenty-something woman:  "Don't diss my boobs, bitch. I've got a smaller waist and smaller breasts."

It was truly unexpected--and I missed the reply.

Library People

There is a man writing easy-to-understand mathematics booklets who glares at me every time I pass him.

Cows

I heard a story from a college classmate that runs as follows:

My brother and a few friends were goofing off one summer day at the Yakima river, jumping off a bridge into the water.  Well, they were having a great time, that is, until my brother jumped off the bridge and landed on a dead, bloated cow that was floating down the river.  Unfortunately, that wasn't the worst part of it.  He got stuck knee deep in that cow.  He lay on his back in the water, his legs bent and cow-ey, flailing his arms in the air, until his friends were able to swim to him and pull him out.

Quote

No matter how often modern man thinks of God or goes to church, if he, the whole man, is deaf to the question of existence, if he does not have an answer to it, he is marking time, and he lives and dies like one of the million things he produces.   --Erich Fromm