Library People

There is man in a tuxedo across from me, typing feverishly with two fingers into his computer.  "Oh, bother," he says.  He clasps his hands and bows, acting as if he is receiving applause.  He squints and flares his nostrils, his mouth open like a politician waiting to speak.

Dream

I had a dream last night that I was trying to buy a new, huge house.  It stood in a development of ultra-high end homes, and was one of the nicest of them.  While I was in process of buying it I decided to invite all the neighbors over to impress them. It wasn't the food that amazed them, but rather the ingenious Scottish brogue that I used to emphasize my worldly-wise ways.

Granola Bars

I opened up a Quaker granola bar for Clare to eat and discovered two healthy and vigorous grubs living beneath the wrapper. I gave them to Clare so that she could have something to play with.

Casino

This past weekend Trudy and I visited a casino to eat.  Gambling is dull for me, something that I put on the same level as Nascar for ability to cause sheer boredom.  However, I found it interesting how the slots worked.  People sat down, plugged in their brain monitor, and pushed buttons while their mind was evacuated.

Quote

Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone.  --Alan Watts

Pacifism

I have come to refer to myself as a defeated pacifist.  I hate war--the people who die aren't the ones who should be fighting.  But, regardless of what I think, war will, and always will happen.  There will always be selfish, mean people, and I can only hope that I learn how to live my life to never become one of them.

Three Zen Quotes

The snowflakes fall, each in their own proper place. --Zen Saying

Wonderful--the mood of this moment--distant, vast, known to me only!  --Ryokan

For years I suffered in snow and frost; now I am startled at pussy willows falling. --Tozan

Things We Like

A few years back, a friend of mine was having dinner with his father and his wife's parents.  I do not know his in-laws well, but the times I have seen them I always leave feeling hopeless and suicidal--their attitudes were finely tuned to the negative things of life. 

So (the story goes), at this dinner, my friend's father was sitting and listening to their delightfully nihilistic conversation.  After an hour, he finally stopped and said, "Jim, is there anything that you like?"

Jim was silent for over five minutes before he cautiously replied, "Well, I used to like fishing, but I don't do it any more."

STD

Clare (our three year old) has been repeatedly demanding STDs.  "Daddy, I want STDs," she says politely, then repeats herself more and more loudly when I don't intitially respond.  I think that our plans and her plans for the future may be different. 

Lists of Prohibited Foods

This morning, Trudy made me the breakfast that she regularly makes for herself: scrambled eggs with mushrooms, broccoli, red and yellow peppers, and onions.  It sounded (and tasted) quite delightful, but I am now officially adding it, along with Kentucky Fried Chicken and spicy mexican food,  to my list of Foods That Cause Explosive Indigestion.

Overheard Conversation

While I was at McDonald's, sitting while my kids played in the bacteria-ridden "Playland", I caught this conversation:

Child, in playland:  Where's my f**king brother?  Where's my f**cking brother!

Father, sitting at table with group of people, all speaking in expletives:  Watch your mouth!

Then there was a small moment, while his message sunk in, with its implication, "Goddamnit!  Only adults can swear."

The girl then ran off.

Humor

I don't try to be humorous for the sake of other people; I do it for me.  If I have to explain myself the humor becomes worthless.

Chew

The woman sitting across from me just put a big pinch of Copenhagen in her mouth. Now I have to completely re-evaluate my assumptions about her.  I didn't expect her to chew.

Disability

I've planned that from now on when people ask me what I do for a living, I will reply, "I got bored working so I decided to go on disability."

Consumption

I just discovered that the disease known as "consumption" is actually tuberculosis.  That's stupid.  "Tuberculosis" is a boring name, whereas "consumption" is loaded, full of dark portent.  If I decide to pick up another disease, it will definitely be consumption.

Flight vs. Invisibilty

So here is the great question of my life:  Which super-trait is better--flight or invisibility?

Commas

I love commas.  I find that they show up everywhere in my writing like little, dangly friends that inhabit my sentences.  Our current use of language is killing off the comma, as well as the semi-colon, a close relation to the comma; it's a pity to see them go.  Between journalism and txt msgs, there isn't much hope for them.  On my cell phone I have to cycle through an exclamation mark and period before I can insert a commma. 

I had a professor in college tell me that my writing was very "Victorian"--by which he meant long, thick sentences with liberal comma and semi-colon use.  He didn't mean it as a compliment.  So, ever since then, when I write I go back and remove half of the commas and end up with approximately the correct amount.

Library People

I'm working at the library today, and the lady sitting on the computer next to me looks like a flounder--her skin is mottled to blend in to the environment, and her face angles to a point at her lips, making her look like she is perpetually puckering.  Her eyes are heavy-lidded and sit far to the side of her face.  Of course I had to meet her on the day that I finally decided breeding between species was impossible.

Snow

When the snow turned

to rain I slowly

melted.

Zen Story

A monk asked, "Master, how do you put enlightenment into action? How do you practice in everyday life?"  The master replied, "By eating and by sleeping."  The monk said, "But Master, everybody eats and everybody sleeps."  The master replied, "But not everybody eats when they eat, and not everybody sleeps when they sleep."  --Zen mondo

Showers

I love showers.  It is where I get all my ideas.  Before I get out, I turn the water up far too hot

and keep it over my back as long as I can.  I get out looking like I have a skin disease, red and blotchy with white streaks all over my arms and back from scratching.

Birthmarks

In high school I had a birthmark on my neck.  When people would ask me if it was a birthmark, I would reply, "No, it's my real skin color.  The rest of me is the birthmark."

Overheard Conversation

Overheard conversation:

"Whenever I see them, I want to run and hide.  I get enough of that at home."

Quote

The greatest prayer is patience --The Buddha

Kitty

I had a dream about a cat that kept getting in to our house, so I tried to kill it.  At first, it ran, but I shot it, ran over and stabbed it, and was trying to bludgeon it with a baseball bat when Trudy woke me up and told me I was twitching really badly. 

Quote

I forsake all that thing that I can think, and choose to love that which I cannot think. --Cloud of Unknowing

Vivisection

Vivisection isn't as fun as it sounds.

Quote

I'll tell you a big secret, my friend: Don't wait for the last judgment.  It happens every day. --Albert Camus

How to Make Money off Thoreau

This is the exact opposite of what Thoreau preached.  It's inevitable that someone would want to make money off him. Note the cabin on the front.  I'm not sure how they came up with number 28, but perhaps Thoreau was a big football fan.

http://novel-t.com/gallery5.htm

Quote

"Death is not the greatest loss in life.  The greatest loss is what dies within us while we're alive."   --Norman Cousins

Got Weed?

The American Dream

I happened to overhear a conversation between two heavily tattooed, pierced men. 

Man 1 (With bull-style ring through nose, shaved head, and long goatee): "So it looks like you've got the whole fucking American dream."

Long, long pause while they walk into the store.

Man 2 (with quarter sized holes in ears and sleeve tattoos on arms): "Well, thanks.  I've worked my Goddamn ass off for it."

People

I have finally realized why some people keep getting on my nerves. I don't like them.

Hell

I saw a road sign on 1-90 West in the Cheney area: "Hell is hot," it said, complete with flames.  So is my wife.

Camels Hump Road

I find always find it amusing how apostrophes are being used (or not used, for that matter). My current favorite is on I-90 driving to Missoula: Camels Hump Road.

Santa

‎"What did Jesus ever do for Santa on his birthday?" --Steven Wright

Butterflies

I've been thinking about getting a tattoo of a butterfly on my back, but I'm concerned that with all my back hair people will think it is a moth.

High Quality Humor

Here's a good joke: Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.

Allodoxaphobia

I just discovered that I suffer from Allodoxaphobia, otherwise known as the fear of opinions. I'd suggest that you keep your comments regarding this issue to yourself.

Chuck E. Cheese

I took the kids to Chuck E. Cheese yesterday, and apart from seeing a man in denim overalls and flip flops, it was uneventful. I have been working on some new slogans, though: "Chuck E. Cheese: Where you are never too young to gamble" or "Chuck E. Cheese: Don't lick the carpets".

If I don't make it to heaven, I'll end up at Chuck E. Cheese.

Tickling

Why is it that children love to be tickled, but adults hate it? I've never had an adult ask me for a tickle.

Garfield

‎"Nothing ventured, nothing ventured, I always say. No pain, no pain"--Garfield

Thunderstorm

While sleeping in the woods alone, I saw a thunderstorm pass me to the north. So beautiful.

Pain

‎"The hardest lesson I have ever had to learn is that I will never know the meaning of my children's pain, and that I have neither the capacity nor the right to take it away from them." --Martha Beck

Fun with Missionaries

Spending my evening hiding from Mormon missionaries. It's like a big game of hide and seek, except I will never, ever give away my secret hiding spot.

Jesus

Rees asked if he could change his name to "Jesus".  Trudy and I agreed, and are planning to crucify him later tonight.

What If?

What if, instead of profit and wealth, the world regarded contentment as the greatest success?

Quote

Let me respectfully remind you,
Life and death are of supreme importance.
Time swiftly passes by and opportunity is lost.
Each of us should strive to awaken.
Awaken! Take heed, do not squander your life.
                                                  --The Evening Gatha

Bar Sex

Sean and I went to a  bar tonight to listen to music.  While we were getting a beer, I thought I heard someone say something to me, so I turned and asked the girl (she couldn't have been over 25) next to me, "Excuse me?"  She looked at me profoundly off-put, and said, "What?" I assume that she thought I was hitting on her. I apologized for my mistake and went on talking to Sean. 

The rest of the evening, she and her two friends were looking over at me.  I told Sean about it, and he said, "Enjoy it."  It felt good to have someone check me out, particularly with all my surgery scars and arthritis leftovers.  All night I basked in feeling like a hot man. 

After a while, we got up to leave, and as we walked out I realized that they had been looking at Sean all night, not me.

Stars

Tonight I saw the arms of the universe, holding the stars in place. 

The way the stars lined up, I could feel their comfort.

 .                                   .
    .                             .
       .                       .
           .               .
                .      .
                    .
                    .

It was beautiful.

Overheard Conversation

A conversation I heard in passing: "So I say, 'Aunt Stacy took her and nobody know where.'"

Sunshine

The sun is shining day-glo orange through the summer evening haze.

Quote

"In the realm of human destiny, the depth of man's questioning is more important than his answers"
                                                                             --Andre Malraux

WWJD

So I thought to myself, "What would Jesus do?", and I realized that I had absolutely no clue.

Mojovation

Mojo + Motivated = Mojovated.

In exceptional circumstances, this can be extended to "Mojotivated".

Library People

A half-toothed, half-bald, half-dead man sat across from me at the library. He had three bags with him, from which he pulled out a laptop, keyboard, 20 inch LCD monitor, mouse, surge protector, USB hub, and an external hard drive wrapped in plastic.  It took him ten minutes to set up.  Thankfully, he didn't have one of the old cathode ray monitors that weighed forty pounds.  He would have needed an extra bag.

Night Time

Clare had a hard time going down.  She wanted me there to cuddle with her until she fell asleep, but I had other plans for my evening.  I would go in her room and love on her, go out for a few minutes, then go back in again.  Finally, after I had gone back and forth three or four times, she politely asked me to tuck in her feet, and then quietly went to sleep. It was her peace offering, a way of keeping control of the situation, but agreeing to my terms.

Deer

I love that deer have chosen to bed down in the same spot in the woods where I meditate.

Clare

Spider

I discovered a spider living in a clog that I had left in the house while we were gone on vacation.  It looked like such a perfect home that I felt bad kicking it out.

Quote

"Scoop up the water and the moon is in your hands;
Hold the flowers and your clothes are scented with them"
                                                           --Zen Saying

Beetles

While working in the yard, I saw a wood boring beetle in a stump.  Its parent apparently had used old carpenter ant hole as a place to lay eggs.  Several had hatched and flown off already, but one got its head and two front legs out and then was stuck because the hole was too small for its size.  It looked like it was relaxing, kicking back with a beer.  Once I realized what was happening, I tried to help it get out of the hole, but in the process pulled its head off.

Passing Conversations

A bit of a conversation I caught in passing: "It's all your fault and you know it, so don't go looking at me like I'm a twenty-year old or something."

Interesting

I just watched Clare crawling around our yard with a bucket on her head, a leash around her neck, and swim flippers on her feet while Rees followed, hitting her with a balloon.  It struck me as something I don't see every day.

The Library

It's odd the way that people just stare at me whenever I am at the library.  We make eye contact, I smile, and they just stare, glassy-eyed like a lizard. What do they do at home? Sit under a heat lamp and eat flies impassively?