Sandpaper

On the Rough Rider Super Studded condom dispenser in the mens' restroom "80 Grit."

Quote

It is mathematical fact that the casting of this pebble from my hand alters the center of gravity of the universe.

--Thomas Carlyle

Germs

Every time that I get stressed out about germs I think of how many men take dumps in public restrooms and don't wash their hands.  If I haven't been killed by rest stop germs yet, I figure that it's unlikely that I ever will.

Quote

Not every end is a goal. The end of a melody is not its goal; but nonetheless, if the melody had not reached its end, it would not have reached its goal.

--Friedrich Nietzsche

Haiku

The women cling
with false fingernails
to their youth.

Shrimp

I just saw a cocktail shrimp in a urinal. I don't think I have ever seen that before.  For some reason, I never think of seafood while I am urinating.

Overheard Conversation

A thirteen-to-fifteen year old boy walking out of a restaurant in front of his family:  "And you won't get it any time soon, I guarantee you that."

Image

A bad memory clinging to my mind's cereal bowl.

Quote

If it's winter, one must have a mind of winter--indeed, one must be winter--to be here. That is, not thinking of spring, not longing for summer, for something that doesn't exist now, here. This mind isn't reaching for some other place.

And if it's summer, one must have a mind of summer.

There is no other place.  We're forever here.

--Steve Hagen

Power

A woman in her car looked at me and locked her doors as I walked by.  It made me feel good to know that my diminutive stature, slight limp, and graying hair still can cause fear in some people

Minute Knowledge

I am seeking minute knowledge that is specifically useful.  For example: Knowing that you need an extra pillow case with a certain set of sheets.  What would we do without such incredibly important, yet minute and specific information? We would spend a lot of time looking for the lost matching pillowcase.  That's what we would do.

High Heels

I saw a yellow high heel on the freeway on-ramp earlier today.  I am not sure how it got there, but my deductive skills served me well.  I believe that a hooker accidentally slipped and fell into the john's car, causing him to have a panic attack and take off speed towards I-90 East.  The high heel fell off as he accelerated around the hairpin corner.  The hooker ended up staying in the car and having dinner with the man and his wife, Maud--everything worked out well in the end. 

Why I'm Here

On a man's t-shirt at the Mini Sturgis rally at Stateline, ID:  "Tits and beer. That's why I'm here."

Eugenics

I've been thinking a bit about eugenics lately.  Hitler gave it a bad rap, but how cool would it be to mate a supermodel and 500 lb man?  Way cool, that's what I say.  You'd end up getting children with lustrous silky hair and cankles, or a perfect nose and a triple chin.  The possibilities are quite staggering. 

Haiku

The overly large
man walks while
his legs weep.

Super Friends

I watching Super Friends with the kids--the old one from when I was a child.  They have the most stupid safety messages, such as "Don't take joyrides in airplanes" or "Be careful of seaweed when swimming."  I have a pretty good visual of the writers of the show talking to each other:
Bill:  Hey Jim, it's your turn to do the safety message.
Jim: Come on! I did it for last week's episode.
Bill:  It's your week, buddy
Jim: Shit.  Uber-shit.
Bill:  Here.  Let me make it easier for you.  How about the dangers of crowded restrooms? Lots of kids have to deal with that.
Jim: Now you're talking!

Happiness

I don't think of myself as an unhappy person, but happiness is far from my primary emotion.  I'd say that I experience happiness anywhere from two to fifteen times a week, and I notice it precisely because it is unusual.  What I don't understand is why our culture promotes happiness so heavily.  It's great to feel happy, but part of happiness comes from the fact that we also experience apathy and sadness and anger.  To focus on only one of our emotions is to deny the nature of our humanity.  Instead of becoming whole, we become saccharin, diet soda.

My Funeral

A last statement, to be read at my funeral:  "In order to ensure that you remember me, I have arranged for my ashes to be mixed with the coffee at the reception."

Riddle

Here's a great riddle that took me a long time to figure out:   What is bought by the yard and sold by the foot?

Unusual People

While sitting in my car waiting for Caleb to finish his nap, (We were going to a party at a friend's house) I noticed a 15 year old boy ride up on a women's mountain bike, wearing a small helmet and carrying a bottle of Gatorade and steering with his left hand.  He stopped at a house next to our friends, slowly got off the bike, kicked the kickstand three times to get it down, then slowly took off his helmet and placed it on the handlebar.  He unscrewed the cap of his Gatorade bottle and sipped three deliberate sips.  Then he put the cap back on the bottle and placed it on the seat of his bicycle.  In no hurry, he walked up to the front door and rang the doorbell. 

"Can you play?" he asked when his friend opened the door.

"No," his friend replied.  "We're getting new carpet and have to move everything off of the old carpet."

After a long pause, the boy said, "Oh.  Okay.  Well, I guess I'll see you later." 


Then he plodded back to his bicycle, took the Gatorade off the seat and unscrewed the cap.   He looked around for a bit, then took two sips, put the cap back on, and began to adjust his helmet, which took about two minutes.  Then he slowly got back on his bike, kicked the kickstand twice to get it up and puttered off.

Overall, I would call it a very surreal experience.

Change

As people we can only change ourselves so much. I think that there are certain irreducible parts of us that no Tony Robbins can fix--personality quirks that are unavoidable.

Raising Children

I do my best to raise healthy, well-adjusted children, but they aren't likely to be history makers.  Well-raised children don't have personal demons, which seems to be a requirement for success .

Dude

I am enamored with the word "dude."  I feel that it makes me appear less pompous and uppity and not like someone who uses words like "enamored" and "pompous."  "Man" also fits in this category. 

Secrets

I've been wondering what would happen if I were to walk up to someone on the street and tell them, "I know your secret."

Mirrors

Tonight Clare kept knocking on the mirror trying to get to the Clare on the other side.  It was wonderful.

Judgment

I recently dropped my father off at the grocery store. I kept the truck running for the three minutes he was out.  While sitting and waiting, I kept getting evil stares from a lady who rode her bike to the store.  By the time I left, she had pulled a bandanna over her face and was loudly coughing--all while continuing the evil looks.  I have to say that I took some pride in the fact that I can still inadvertently piss someone off that much.

Overheard Conversation

A father speaking to his two-year-old son:  "Come take my hand.  Stop touching yourself and come with me.  Good. We're moving up in the world."

Haiku

Last night
I held you
in the clouds.

Quote

Between our two lives
there is also the life of the
cherry blossom.

--Basho

Beauty and Humor

I am having some difficulty figuring out how to make something that is beautiful humorous, or humorous beautiful.  Are they mutually exclusive?  I'm not sure on this one.